Okay. I'm hyooj. Gigantic. Immense. Gargantuanly fat.

How do I know this? I get to see myself in the mirror naked.

Okay so I'm not... gargantuanly fat. But I'm not thin, either. I've been looking at pictures of women on the internet, models for different things (no, not pr0n) and they're all about as big around as my pinky. I will never look like that.

But I can look way better than how I look now.

So starting this week, I'm going to exercise regularly. Period. End of statement. No negotiation. Must exercise. And I'm going to keep eating right, or better, or something. I haven't had anything remotely fast-food in almost a week. I had a burrito from the little Mexican place on Tuesday (we're talking work lunches, here), I had a slice of pizza on Wednesday, I had a salad on Wednesday, and I had a light sandwich today.

But it's not enough. It's just not enough.

I'm going to lose my mind, my man, and my self respect (and the respect of others) if I don't get off the stick and hurry up and lose some weight. So it's on. Seriously.

It's on, man.

I will hold myself accountable here.

I don't want to be old and fat. I'm already old. And I'm already fat. Gotta eliminate one, and I can't turn back the clock.

I'm so screwed.

Both S. and I are in the Crappiest. Mood. Ever.

I can't stand it any more. I just can't. I feel like shit, I'm taking medicine that makes me feel like shit, I feel like a big, fat, wallowing, blubbering, exhaustively huge flibbery flubbery sack of shit.

S. just got told they might go on ten hour days and is going to quit his second job and is waiting to hear from the court about his court date, while his soon-to-be-ex-wife tries to extort money out of him in the form of "Pay this bill that's in my name even though you don't have to, or I'm going to call your Commander." Like we need this bullshit.

My mind has been racing for the last two days on top of everything else about my house. How sometimes I love it and sometimes I hate it, how it's a lot of work for me, how I'm not ready to move yet, how I'm not ready to sell it without knowing what's going to happen in my future, how I wish the fucking thing wasn't stuck to the fucking ground 37.7 fucking miles from S's apartment, which is stuck to the fucking ground 12 miles from the fucking Air Force Base.

My work has been busy and is only going to get busier as the staff there disappears one by one. People where I used to work still are pretending I don't exist. My mother is making me completely insane. My sister is also going completely insane, and wants to complain to me about my mother, which ain't much fun. My dad's Mexico house won't be done now til a year from this month which pretty much fuckalates my November plans to go hang out at the Mexico beach house, although I could still go if I wanted to, but I don't know where S. is going to be. I have work out the yang and I don't feel like doing it. And I'm fucking alone here.

My kitchen is a mess and there are dishes piled up in it. There's also a growing pile of laundry in the hallway bathroom which desperately needs to be tended to. For some reason one of my dogs decided he didn't want to sleep in his crate last night - I found out why - someone pooped in it. One of the cats? Perhaps. The dog? Perhaps. All I know is I had to wash a poopy pillow in the washing machine last night and now I hope he'll want to go back in his crate tonight.

I'm a mess, my house is a mess, parts of my life are a mess. I have a headache, I have a uterus-ache, I have a foot-ache. My gut hurts, I feel woozy and dizzy half the time, I'm fighting off some kind of bug or virus or infection, and I'm overall just pissy.

I did, however, send S. a nice greeting card which he said he got today. He said, "thank you."

It was really a fabulous card.

I kind of hoped it might make him get teary-eyed or something.

But we're both in the Worst. Mood. Ever. So I guess you get what you pay for.

Bite me.

I'm tired. And I don't feel well. And I'm tired.

I don't like coming home in the evenings and being by myself. The being alone is the hardest on me right now, and I can't rightly figure out exactly why. I've never been much of a "be alone 100% of the time" person anyway, but coming home to the empty house lately is getting harder and harder. One might suggest that it's because I'd rather be with S. or friends or whatever, but there really isn't any one particular thing that's making it hard on me.

When I come home, I pretty much go straight into the office room. I could basically by myself, live easily in a one bedroom or studio apartment. As long as I have a place for my computer, a place for my TV, and a place to crash out and sleep, it's all good with me. In all honesty I would probably sell my house and rent an apartment - as much as I hate apartments - if I didn't have my pets. I love my pets but at this point if I could snap my fingers and change that situation, I might. I know that sounds awful. I love my animals as if they were my children. I would never wish anything bad on them and as it is, I would have a hard time even giving them up to even some of my best friends in the world whom I know would take wonderful care of them. But I have to look at it and say, they're the reason I have this house, and they're the reason behind a lot of things in my life right now. I love them dearly but this house is almost too big even for the five of us. Six if you count the fish.

And last night I came home feeling sick and that made it ten times worse. SIck sick sick. Not only do I hate being sick but I hate being sick by myself. When it's 8pm and I want orange juice and I don't have any here and I don't want to get in the car and drive five minutes to the grocery to get some... when it's time to take more medicine and I forget because I'm sleeping so hard I'm drooling on the couch... when it hurts to move or stretch or breathe or anything... it sucks. Sometimes a girl just wants to be taken care of.

So I'm not feeling very well and I'm going in for a long day at work and then I'm going to come home and... surprise... WORK.

I'm getting to the point where I'm over it. Seriously. I'm just getting completely over it. I don't want to do much of anything right now.

Seriously.

For being someone who in many ways has a lot going for her, I sure don't like myself much lately. I wish I understood why, but I don't.

I had a great weekend with S. We seemed like we had so much time we didn't know what to do with it all. We got him finally settled into his apartment and unpacked, and everything is good. I am sad and feel bad that I was away from my dogs and cats for multiple days at a time, and am seeing the results of the situation today as I sit here waiting for the pool man, because they are all looking at me as if to say "You're leaving again."

But S. and I had more time than we knew what to do with, and that was really nice. Hung out and were lazy for part of the time, which was good. I mean, it was something we just... needed. People need that kind of time, whether it's together or apart, every once in a while.

Went gaming with the gang on Monday which was actually awesome. I love the gaming, and it's a good group of people. I wished I could have been there for S. when his ex called trying to extort things from him. I wish I could have been with him when he found pepperidge farm pirouette cookies at Target and felt like calling me to let me know they were on sale.

If I had been with him maybe I wouldn't have eaten Trader Joe's Rice Crackers, Wasabe Crackers, Pringles, Cajun Pringles, and Funyuns, along with the other Memorial Day things that come along with a good BBQ including potato salad, pasta salad, green salad, blueberry cobbler...

It's not the salads and cobbler I'm worried about, it's the funyuns and the pringles and the like. I basically snacked on salty crunchies all day long, and that's just bad for me. It's part of my old eating disorder problem where I'll eat the salty crunchies until my mouth bleeds - and it's darned near bleeding this morning. My tongue is swelled up in my mouth and I'm not very happy about it.

But I did it.

I've gained some weight, and I'm disgusted both for myself and for S. He's been very kind and patient regarding it all but I'm still noticing that I'm heavier than I should be, by a long shot. So I have to get off the stick. Which means no falling off the wagon.

Found out recently that S. is still smoking. He says he's not smoking much, one every once in a while, but when I phoned him last night and he told me he was "outside," I found myself automatically assuming he was on the patio having a cigarette. I don't want to do that, but it's the natural progression of events. I told him I don't want him to resent me and he has to do the things he has to do to get through this very stressful time. I know quitting smoking is very hard. I have friends who smoke. But I don't have to kiss them or run my fingers through their hair or hug on them and smell them and take it all in. The health concerns are the same whether it's for my friends or for S., but S.'s smoking really bothers me. He has to do it on his own terms and as long as I don't have to be loving up on him or whatever when he smells like cigarettes, then I guess it's okay for now, though I do get concerned for his health especially with what I just went through with my mom.

God damn it, I get so angry that it bothers me and affects me so much. When I think he's been smoking I want to reach through the phone and throttle him sometimes! AURGH! And the thing that hurts me so much about it I think, is that he hides it from me because he thinks I'd be disappointed! (God, I wonder why he thinks that. I'm terrible.) So it's something that he can keep from me. It's a secret that is miraculously "okay" to keep from me. That really isn't comfortable for me. I don't want him to have to keep anything from me.

I just don't understand it. And it frustrates me. And I'm frustrated that I want him to change that about himself, even though it is for his own good. With what I go through with the food thing, I should probably be more understanding about the smoking thing. I just want him to stop. I don't want him to be dependent on it. I just want him to stop.

I'm awful. There are no two ways about it.

So it's back to work for me today after the pool man comes this morning to fix my pool filter. I have to get the pool filter in order and fixed up and working so this weekend when S. is over here and we are working outside, we can jump in it.

It's damned hot here.

A list of things I haven’t done in far too long:

1. Seen a movie. In a theatre.
2. … with a huge bag of buttered popcorn.
3. … and a diet Pepsi.
4. … holding my boyfriend’s hand.
5. Gone out of town.
6. Slept in.
7. Played EarthDawn with gaming group.
8. Talked to my dad on the phone.
9. Chatted with my brother Mark, my friend Michael, my friend Patrick, or my friend Brooke.
10. Phoned Kristina.
11. Had a real, legitimate, leisurely conversation with “Dr.” Ross.
12. Grilled any veggies.
13. Mowed my lawn.
14. Let the dogs sleep on the bed with me.
15. Stopped in and said hi to my wonderful neighbor.
16. Thought about what I’m going to do for Halloween this year.
17. Had lunch, dinner, meal, beverage, with Kara.
18. Had sushi. (It is always far too long between sushi outings, even if it’s twice a week)
19. Fallen asleep wrapped in S’s arms.
20. Walked a mile or two.
21. Cooked a real home-cooked meal.
22. Eaten a veggie bratwurst sausage.
23. Sent Kristina a Yule gift. I still have her gift I should have sent her in December. I’m thinking it’s gonna be Christmas in July…
24. Pampered myself somehow.
25. Sang karaoke.
26. Gone to Mexico.
27. Mopped the floor.
28. Felt like I really like myself much.
29. Felt like I deserved anything.
30. Had too much faith in anything.

Just some random thinking.

Okay, so I have friends that have blogs that get substantial comment action on their blog. And I get like, 2 if I’m lucky. You people have fingers, type something, damn you!

So much going on. So many things. So little time to talk about them all.

My new job is going swimmingly. I actually love it, love it, love it! I’m still not using my full brain power yet, but that’s coming on little by little. We are currently getting ready for a fairly large community event at which the governor of this fine state will be speaking, and the festivities start (at least for those of us who work for the company I work for) at 6am tomorrow at a prominent local resort. Yes, that means I have to be somewhere at 6:00 a.m. tomorrow. Looking forward to that part of it? Not so much. But, it’ll be a good experience and it'll be nice to see everything come off without a hitch even though I've basically had nothing to do with the event. A little bit of icing on the cake is that some folks from where I used to work are going to be attending as full-price paying attendees, and they're going to get to see me all dressed up and happy and working with my new colleagues. So it should be interesting.

My truck is all better, I don’t remember if I commented on that. But it's all better. And I'm really liking it again. I drove it out to S's apartment last night and it was a quiet, comfortable ride. Can't beat that with a stick. I get a little paranoid about my cars.

Noki, S’s cat, is still staying at my house. Last night was nice because it looked like my two cats and Noki were all getting along well together, until I had to put them in the “cat room.” They didn’t like that at all. It was a hissing festival all over again. I’m sure they’re going to be fine – if they don’t hurry up and get fine with each other I’m going to cover them all in tuna juice and put them in the bathtub together. If it takes making them each smell fishy and delicious to make them like one another, so be it.

So this weekend is going to be interesting. My wonderful blessing of a next door neighbor is going to watch my house for me while I’m gone, as it looks like I might be gone a good portion of the weekend. Going to go to S’s apartment for at least a night or two, and going to spend the day Monday with my gaming group playing EarthDawn. We haven’t gamed in a while, so I’m looking forward to it. I just wish my high maintenance friend who is the only thing keeping S. from meeting the gaming group (she doesn’t want him to come to gaming) would suck it up and let me bring him with. It’s a holiday after all, and we’re going to be grilling food and having fun. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal, but of course, I will end up spending that day away from him. Wotta suck.

Speaking of S., he went to his meeting with the personnel people. Looks like they might accept his application to cross-train, which would mean that in three or four months he could be heading off to Biloxi, Mississippi for three glorious months of training. The unfortunate thing about it is that in the meantime he’s kind of in a window of deployment which means he could get sent off for 90 days and then come back and THEN go train. So he could be gone for like six months. I better start saving my nickels and dimes so I can go visit him if it’s at all possible. Although if he goes to Europe or something for his 90-day deployment I wouldn’t be able to go, and that would royally suck.

So the possibility is good that he is going to come back here. One way or another he’s at least got to be here for a little while after his school is done. Overall, it’s going to give us some time to work things out and see for real where we’re taking this and try to set up some concrete plans… that way if he had to go somewhere else to live, we’d know the circumstances behind whether – or not – I was going to go with him. I can see myself going with him. I just don’t think I would be able to pack up and go unless I had some kind of… it’s hard to explain. My first instinct is to pack up and go, just to be with him, but there would have to be some things in place first. I mean, as much as I hate to say it, I’d have to be married or see marriage on the horizon. Especially with him in the military situation he’s in, there’s just so many things out of our control and so many things I wouldn’t be able to do if I weren’t his spouse. I don’t need to be married to know that he loves me and cares about me, but for us to have any kind of normal type of life as long as he’s in the military, in the long term, we’d have to be married as a matter of practicality and logistics. It’s just inevitable.

Wow, that got pretty heavy pretty fast, didn’t it?

Well, in other news, I had mushroom pizza for lunch, I am incredibly tired because I think I didn’t sleep very well, I have lots of work to do and I should probably get back to it now that my lunch is over.

As practical as my little tirade sounded, I’m still crazy mad in love.

Seriously.

Sorry for not blogging in so long. Lots to share.

First of all, as to my health concern, the lump under my right armpit has gone away. Thanks to Dr. Ross and his prescription for maintenance, it basically disappeared in the course of like, two days. So I'm going to cancel my appointment with the doctor.

OF course, however, Mercury is in Retrograde, and who can get out of Mercury in Retrograde without some kind of car trouble? So I had to take the truck in to the dealer for its 30,000 mile service and there were some other things wrong with it. Thank goodness for new car warranties. I keep saying I will probably never buy a brand new car again, but the warranty situation makes it worth it for me. What could have been between $1,000 and $2,000 worth of work if I had bought that truck used, was fully covered under the 10 year, 120,000 mile powertrain warranty. Thank you, God/dess.

I went over to S's house on Wednesday of last week and he ended up starting off his week's fiasco that particular day. He didn't get off work until almost 8:30 and we were up until nearly midnight, him venting about his day and me feeling bad that I couldn't fix what was going on with his day/week/month/life. His soon-to-be-ex phoned him up at darned near midnight and I guess she basically told him she wants to stop the divorce and move back here. Uh, no. So, I tried to get myself absorbed in other things - poor S. didn't have any privacy, as we were at his little apartment and there was nowhere for him to hide when talking to her, so I pretty much got to hear most of it. I was trying not to. I guess I just didn't want to know. I can't say I blame her for wanting to be with him, after all, I want to be with him 24 hours a day. But she wants to be with him for different reasons. She wants to be with him for security and comfort and because it's easier than trying to make it on her own. I want to be with him because of all the things we are to each other, and all the ways I can try to help him, and stuff. I mean, it's as much about what I do for him as it is what he does for me. Anyway.

My new job went great the rest of the week. Got to the point where I am doing an okay job of keeping my days full, though that's going to just keep getting more full with things, and I'm okay with that. I like being busy. It's also very very fun to work in an office with a friend of mine, even if I don't get to see him much. It's slowly sinking in that, that's my real job, and not some side vacation tour. And I'm settling in nicely.

This weekend was pretty fun. S. came over late Friday night and on Saturday we got up and went to the SwapMart, which is like an indoor swap meet, where people sell junk. I get razor blades there because I have an expensive razor and the blades are cheap. $5 for 10 blades that would normally cost me $13. I'll pay it.

And S. had to bring his cat over to stay with me for a few days, which is actually really nice. I know he's a wreck having Noki here, he's such the troubled devoted kitty dad. But she had to come over here because his apartment complex is going to be doing some work in his apartment and they don't know about her, at least not yet. So it's just easier to have her come stay over here than him having to come up with a pet deposit. Things have definitely calmed down here in the last day or so, as everyone was hissing at everyone for the first day. Noki even hissed at a stuffed animal. Funtimes. But everyone seems to be settling in. Noki has taken the green couch in my back room and claimed it as her own, and no one is bothering her. I even saw her get up on the table herself and eat.

I hardly slept last night. I tossed and turned. All. Night. Long. It was really sucky. I wish I knew why. I just couldn't seem to get comfortable. When S. is in a bed with me I pass out so hard I wake him up in the middle of the night with my snoring. Go figure.

This weekend is Memorial Day Weekend. I've already committed to gaming in my gaming group, and I think I am going to see if I can manage to go spend a couple of nights out at S's place since of course, it's a long wonderful weekend and he's on call and can't leave his side of town. It's starting to get hot here, and for an HVAC guy, that means you could be busy at any moment. They even called him when he wasn't on call this weekend to go work on something at the base that they couldn't get working.

S's appointment with the personnel office about his cross training happens on Tuesday of this week. I'm scared, I can't lie. I'm scared, and apprehensive, and trying to keep a positive attitude about it. I have a positive attitude about all the wonderful things this will do for him. I'm just scared beyond any description what's going to happen if he gets sent away and can't come back here. I can't think that way. Someone stop me from thinking that way.

Oh, and picked up Norah Jones' CD, and I love it.

peaceowt

Well. Not a whole lot to report. It's Wednesday night, and Wednesday night is S. night. Gonna get to see him and I'm very, very excited and happy. Work is going really well and I feel like I'm settling in just fine. My boss and I are getting along great and everything seems to be really good.

Except I have a lump under my right armpit.

Now I have already decided that I'm sure this is an inflamed sweat gland, or an ingrown hair, or something. It's too big now to be an ingrown hair, it's about as big around as the end of my thumb, which would make it almost boil-like. But it doesn't have a "head" on it or anything. It hurts. It's not red. Part of it feels hard and part of it just feels... inflamed.

I put hot compresses on it last night and at someone else's advice tried to squeeze (the fuck out of) it, but it didn't seem to help. Today it just sits there, laughing at me in its own mocking lump-under-the-armpit way, and I am frustrated.

I have a doctor's appointment for Monday afternoon at 4:30. Hopefully it'll be gone by then, as if it's not I have to pay $65.00 for my doctor to look at it and probably tell me I just have an arm pit zit and that it will go away.

Begone, nasty arm pit lump!

Except... he DID!

Okay, where should I start? It's been a long and winding road.

The new job is going GREAT. I like everyone I work with and have no complaints as of yet. Not that I anticipate having any, mind you. It's a professional environment where people are respected, and things are great.

Had kind of a petty outburst rumor with the former job, which I think is interesting. Seems there's a rumor going around that I was basically evil and would have been fired anyway, which interestingly no one heard until after I was gone. They do things like that to try to make you think that it wasn't worth having me around anyway. You know, sour grapes. Serves them right as best as I can tell. I have recently heard that yet another person has left the hell that used to be my employer, and didn't have a job lined up (relocating). So just goes to show you. It's not like I'm a lone gunman or anything, that's four quality people who quit in the space of four weeks. Of course, everyone will be taught that none of us were worth anything, anyway. Good thing I'm friends with enough people who have left there, that it's not a big deal and I can safely give a real employment reference from people who won't want to screw me over.

I got one email from one of the sales guys I used to work with. It read, "Hey, how's the new job? Hope everything's great with you. By the way, can you tell me where the folder is for the Dallas conference? Thanks!"

BY THE WAY?! What kind of sped do those people think I am? Please. "By the way," my ass. "By the way, I'm only filling this with niceties because I need something from you and, as you did while you were here, you ultimately hold some power over me. So if you wouldn't mind not smiting me down with your Great Sword of Knowledge, could you please point me in the direction of the Ark of the Covenant? Thanks!"

Gag me.

Fish Heads, Fish Heads, Roly Poly Fish Heads.

Alas, the shrimp are gone.

Now, it's very hard to see Ghost Shrimp anyway. But where a couple of days ago Curly was happily munching on leftover Grandpa food, and Larry was hitching rides around the tank on Grandpa's back and fighting with him for freeze dried bloodworms (a delicacy in Shrimp World), today they are no more.

I can't find them, I can't see them, they are nowhere to be found. Unfortunately I think that maybe, they died, and Grandpa ate them.

Note to self: Get bigger shrimp. Don't let them die.

Grandpa looks strangely sad.

Love Shack.

S's apartment is looking great. Little by little, he's getting settled in. He's got a bunch more fish for his tank which I haven't seen yet. He arranged his apartment as per my suggestion for his living room, and it seems to be working great. I've spent a few nights over there. The new plan is probably going to be, one weeknight per week I am going to go over there to stay, and just go to work in the morning after. It'll be some scheduled quality time and we hopefully won't feel so rushed or desperate when we do get time together. Then on the weekends, my house can still be "weekend house" when possible. That way my puppies aren't so distraught when I leave them alone, I don't come home to evidence that everyone in the house has been sleeping on the furniture in my absence, and they won't quite be so neurotic. And maybe I can start to get some of the growing list of honey-do's done for my house. I really have to start taking care of my yard, especially if some time in the next year I'm going to try to sell my home and maybe move. But that's another story for another time.

Now, what was I saying about flowers?

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

S. showed up at my house on Saturday night with a BEAUTIFUL bouquet of roses for me. Beautiful red ones. Kind of a vibrant purple-y red with some yellow baby's breath. Absolutely gorgeous. For no reason other than he wanted to see me smile, and figured those would do the trick. I can't stop staring at them and smelling them, they are absolutely gorgeous. I want to take a picture of them and send it to myself at work so I can see them all day tomorrow. :) If it were feasible I would haul them in with me but it's just not. They are awesome, and I love them, and I feel very special that he gave me flowers. I mean, I don't know. I don't get flowers. And I tell myself that I don't need to have them and it's not a big deal if I don't get them blah blah blah but when something like this happens, it makes me remember and realize just how much I ***DO*** like getting flowers "just because," and how romantic I really do think it is, and how wonderfully awesome it is. I can't get over it, I'm overwhelmed and excited and they're beautiful and I love them.

No, I am not on any type of psychotropic medication.

kill kill kill kill kill kill kill

Well, I survived another Mother's Day. Of course, Mother's Day turns into "Everyone In This Family Is A Mother Except You - When Are You Going To Be A Mother" 's day.

To refresh. My aunt and uncle obviously have children, as they are long time married. The cousin closest in age to me is also divorced, but he is male. No children. He is a flake and a screw-up, and they are overjoyed that he has chosen, at least now, not to reproduce. My next cousin is about four years younger than me, a fine young man with a bright future, who is single never married, and nowhere near getting married from what I can tell, so they do not bother him about the children thing. My next cousin is too young to be married or have children and they do not pressure her, either.

My sister is pregnant with #2, a baby girl who will be named Amanda ___________ (fill in the blank). Amanda will be born in September, I think. Matthew, my nephew, is almost two years old and is a firecracker, and everyone loves him.

My grandmother, is a mother. My mother, is a mother. My sister's mother-in-law, is a mother, and my sister's sister-in-law, is a mother.

AND to top it all off... and let me stress the importance of this in "you aren't a mother" structure -- not only is my sister pregnant, but her sister-in-law who is a mother, is a mother of a three month old infant boy in addition to superspoiled 6 year old boy.

Let's do some math. DIVORCED WOMAN (me) + 4 MONTH PREGNANT SISTER + 2 YEAR OLD NEPHEW + 3 MONTH OLD INFANT = OH DON'T WORRY HONEY, SOME DAY YOU'LL HAVE A FAMILY TOO. SO HOW SERIOUS ARE YOU WITH THE NEW BOYFRIEND?

sigh.

Don't get me wrong. I think some day I would love to have a family. I think I would be a kick-ass mom. Is my life going to come to an end if it doesn't happen? No. Am I going to be happy with my life and mysefl if I'm not a biological mother to a human child? Yes. Could it be a blessing? Yeah, under the right circumstances, I think it's something that can really be a blessing and a wonderful gift and a wonderful thing. Do I want kids, sometimes, when I'm around my nephew? Yeah. But I am in no position to answer questions about what my future holds, especially with regard to the whole family thing. I'm not ready to be a mom. And my wonderful relationship partner, as wonderful and caring and loving as he is, probably isn't even ready to think about being a dad. He and I share a lot of the same perspectives on the parenthood thing, and if you aren't ready to do it right, you shouldn't do it. But there's no point in jonesing for something or worrying about something you might never be ready to do. So, I try not to think about it.

I got a pedicure today with my mom and also an eyebrow wax. She paid for both. I'm not sure why she paid for both, but she did. My sister was there, too. I was happy to see that she had way more eybrow to wax than me, and parts of her face swelled up after the waxing procedure. Thank goodness I'm kind of a freak about my facial hair and keep it under control.

In the hygiene realm, S. said something really nice to me today. He said, "Mmmm, you smell good. Come to think of it, you always smell good." Clean girls are cool. That makes me cool. Because, you know, I'm clean. Clean is good. It's all about wanting someone to smell you. Heh. I smell good and I can cook. I'm a keeper, man.

Okay I'm tired, and must go to bed. I have three things to do tomorrow morning before I even go to work. Explain that to me. I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut.

Ow. Quit it. Ow. Quit it. Ow. Quit it. Ow. Quit it.

Okay. So it'll be flats the rest of the week, for me.

My footsies hurt. Too much walking in too high of heels, and my heels aren't even really high. Not yet.

I was telling S. that I used to wear two and a half or three inch heels EVERY DAY when I went to work and I never had these problems. So, I have to get back "in the swing" of things. I have to get back to the idea that I am not superwoman, but I can look good in footwear. So little by little I have to get my heels back and my groove on. I don't want to be taking off my shoes in the afternoons because, frankly, my feet don't smell very good. They never have, I just have smelly feet. I put foot powder in my shoes, and everything, and there's just no two ways around it. My tootsies are stinky.

So I need to be able to wear my shoes and not have to kick them off.

So I'm in flats.

In other news, the job is going great so far, little by little I'm getting settled in and working on the things that come up. As I find my place it's going to be better, and easier, to move forward from here. I really REALLY like my boss, she's the bees knees, and I'm sure I'll write more and randomly about the other people in my office as things come up. For now, suffice it to say that everthing is really good, and everyone is amazingly nice.

I miss S. like crazy this week. Not that I don't normally miss him, but I really, really miss him. Hard-core missing going on over here. Like not quite sleeping well enough, miss him. We're not going to be able to see each other this weekend because his second job scheduled him to work on Saturday, right in the middle of the weekend, which also contains Mother's Day, so there's other obligations left and right, and it just sucks the big wong. We might not be able to see one another until next weekend, and that's really starting to bug me. I just need a hug. I haven't had a hug all week. I want to share some of this relief and some of this happiness with him, or with anyone, and I haven't even had a hug.

No hugs.

Country lyric. Kiss my butt.

I'm real excited about the new job. My feet hurt like a mf'er this morning, because I haven't had to wear heels in four years, but that's okay. I've got my tennies on and are going to keep them on til I get to my new desk and start unloading all of my personal crap! Woo hoo, personal crap! Time to spruce up the area a little bit and make it more manageable.

I'm going to see if I can get my friend who works there to snap a shot of my cubie. :) My mom wants to see.

So anyways the job is going to go very well, I think. I'm real excited. I have a box of personal crap in my truck right now ready to haul upstairs to the 25th floor, and I'm going to take some time this morning getting settled in. Maybe we'll move my computer around. i don'tknow. If we don't that's okay too.

Trying to keep focus and not be too upset about the whole S. thing, trying to stay positive. It's been a little rougher than I thought.

And knowing that I won't get to see him this weekend is getting harder and harder on me. This is a time I want to spend with him. I've been spending all the crappy time. Now I want to spend the happy time. I said last night, that wouldn't it be nice if we could have "in a good mood let's have sex" sex, instead of "might not see you for another 10 days" sex. heh. It's been a while since we both laughed together in that carefree way we are both entitled to.

I talked to my friend Brenda online last night, she was the last one from my work to find out that I was gone. She's also surprised to find out that they just let me go, and I think she'll tell me if she hears anything odd or weird about my departure. I'm glad to have gotten ahold of her, because she's a valuable friend to me and I know she's happy for me making my change. But I feel really bad for her because she's really one of the only "good people" left in that building, and it's going to start to take a toll on her. I wish there were something I could do, but she's not even to the point yet where she's looking for a job. She's so focused on her work, she's one of those people who can kind of go in and tune out the rest of the world. I wish I could do that. I don't really have to, now. I've got a good job and a friend in my corner. Can't much beat it.

Okay well, time to go to work. Wahoo!

Coffee's on.

Clothes are in the dryer. Only glitch is, I noticed the iron I thought I was still borrowing from the neighbor was here, and it's gone, so I have to get myself an iron today.

Getting ready to go to first day of new job.

Thanks for all the happy thoughts re my job, it's been great.

S. told me a long time ago it seems, that this was my job, and all I had to do was show up. It's today that I'm getting ready for work and wondering if I really took him seriously when he told me that. It appears he was completely right.

I better dig down and find some confidence, huh?

So. The first thing I want to do is run away.

The idea that S. might have to go away makes some terrible, fearful things arise in me. I want to run away. I want to not be in a relationship instead of dealing with the possibility of pain or sorrow later. I want to hide in a hole and let the world pass me by instead of accepting the possibility of change. I want to run away and hide in the hopes that the world will just overlook me in the next big dishing-out of painful crap.

This is my first instinct.

And I keep telling myself that I **KNOW** beyond the shadow of a doubt that S., and this love that I share with him, is worth whatever is going to come.

So much change lately. So many things happening. Feels like I've been on a roller coaster and haven't had time to breathe for two or three months. I just want to breathe.

I just want to breathe and have my life be the great thing I know it can be. With a good relationship and a great job and wonderful friends.

I am not going to leave S. or this relationship behind for the fear of what could feasibly possibly happen. I refuse. I refuse. I am not going to. I am not going to run away to avoid pain later.

I am going to live every moment this life gives me and I am going to have FAITH AND STRENGTH that the Deity I choose to put my faith and beliefs in would not give me (us) something so wonderous only to have it taken away. Nothing that happens is going to come between me and the life I have lived for, for 33 years. Nothing.

Do you see that, honey? Nothing.

Nothing.

Lord. Am I fat.

I don't know if I have recently mentioned that I'm fat. I don't know if S. has noticed or not, but I wouldn't imagine he would say anything to me even if he had. I think I have just been in denial but I would venture to say that in the last two months, I have gained 15-20 pounds on the outside. It might be as few as 10 but I couldn't tell you.

I went shopping today for clothes for my NEW JOB (yay!) and had to continue to get some things in bigger sizes than I am accustomed to buying. At least I have things that fit me. And at least I am not in denial about my weight gain.

But I'm huge and fat and disgusting.

So let me reiterate the plan.

Lots of water.

Adding exercise.

With the new job it should up my energy level some I just need to lose weight. MUST. LOSE. WEIGHT.

So some weight loss mojo. But S. staying home mojo first. Then weight loss mojo. I get him to stay here, I'm gonna have to keep him.

I don't ask for much.

But now I'm asking for mojo.

I - nay, S. and I, are asking for the collective mojo of the entire viewing populace, all of my friends and loved ones, we need your help.

Long story very short, S. is in a position where he's kind of being pushed to cross-train into a different career field within the USAF. We need everyone's happy mojo that when he goes through his crosstraining, that they will allow him to return to Luke AFB here in Phoenix.

There's no guarantees but we are both trying to stay positive and envision him not only being able to do what he wants to do but be here so we can have some kind of life together. It's getting to that point. We're seeing the light at the end of the tunnel on so many levels, but there's so many things that have to happen before other things can happen. Right now the best thing for us relationship-wise would be for him to be able to come back to Luke AFB and live in Phoenix, at least for a year or so.

Please, everyone. Please keep us in your thoughts. Please see S. living here in Phoenix, and please see us being able to have the shot at living out this life we're trying to put together. We both want this so bad, I can't even describe it. Please send the happy mojo.

S's appointment with the personnel office to start the application process is on 5/20/03.

Any good thoughts are appreciated. Together we can make it all work.

I have Ghost Shrimp.

At S's recommendation, I went to my local PetsMart and I bought some Ghost Shrimp to share the tank with Grandpa the Betta Fish. It gives him something to do and it gives me something new to watch. It's a win-win situation, man.

So the nice enough guy at the PetsMart specialty department picked out three good'uns for me. One, two, three, he scooped them right up and put them in a bag. I brought them home, dumped them in, and they seem to be making themselves right at home.

So of course, being the freak that I am, I had to name them.

The shrimp came neatly packaged in three different sizes, small, medium, and fairly large for a ghost shrimp from what I could tell. So I figured I would have to give them names since I was able to tell them apart and everything. While Grandpa was chasing them around, I batted names around in my head.

Itsy, Teeny and Weeny? No.

Papa, Mama and Baby? No.

Eureka! An epiphany!

I shall name them: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

The big one, he will be Larry. Because you know, "Larry," it's such a big sounding name. "Larry," that's a big guy name. So the big one, he is Larry.

The middle one, that will be Curly. Because, let's face it. He's bald. Now I don't want any of your peanut-gallerying about how shrimp are all bald, Curly is bald. So I will name him Curly. I have known two bald guys named Curly in my lifetime, one a basketball player and one a Stooge. So the bald shrimp will be named, Curly.

And the little one will be named, "Moe." Not because I know any little guys named Moe, or any bald guys named Moe, but because the smallest shrimp in the tank keeps trying to hide in one of the plants and he gets his little legs stuck. And then he can't get out and I see him tug on his legs trying to get out of the plant. And then, after he gets himself free and swims around a while, he goes right back to the same branch of the same plant and gets the same legs stuck. And I have never known of a smart guy named Moe. So the dumb one is, "Moe."

Larry, Curly and Moe. The Ghost Shrimp. Grandpa's roommates.

It's a full house.