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Wednesday, April 04, 2007
I like the acoustics in the bathroom.
I don't write about it very much, mainly because the shifts my life has taken in the last couple of years have essentially eliminated music from my life. It's a rather sad state of affairs, and it's something that I am trying to fix.
As long as I can remember, I have always fancied myself a singer. And it turns out, I'm pretty good at it. Or I used to be, anyway. I've won some money singing karaoke, although I've also had my share of "mediocre karaoke appearances," as Simon Cowell would say. I used to sing in the shower, sing in the car, sing anywhere I could get away with it.
When I was in college, I played some "gigs" with a friend of mine and we made quite a nice little acoustic duo. I would also sit with him on the corner sometimes down on Mill Avenue and fill in some harmonies while he sat at the coffee shop and did his thing. When I was in high school I would sing any time I could get away with it, making recordings at the shop in the mall that let you "record your own song" or even sitting in a park late at night with a dear friend of mine while he recorded me into a standard cassette recorder.
Just one of those things where I've always batted around the idea of "cutting a demo" or whatever, and then one day I woke up and I was a chubby 37 year old transcriptionist with no real hope of ever being able to go anywhere with my music. So now I just mostly consider myself a "music fan" and not a "musician."
When I met S., one of the things I liked about him is that he is also a musician, and is a music fan, and has spent some time trying to do the garage band thing. He understands what it's like when music is ingrained deep within you, when it's something you can never truly be rid of. He gets that part of me, and we used to spend lots of late nights sitting in front of the stereo singing, or sitting around with his guitar with me singing. Even if it was only singing to S., at least I was still singing.
Then life got away from me -- no, life got away from the both of us -- and it's made it really hard to get back into singing.
Now, I've been presented with an opportunity and it's scaring the living hell out of me.
A friend of a friend here is a musician, and amateur music producer, and actually plays gigs with a working band from time to time. He is, as it was relayed to me, "looking for a female vocalist" to work on some acoustic things he's been trying to get put together. When S. found out about this, he immediately got on me to respond and say that I would be willing to sing.
And then I croaked out a few notes through my sorely underused vocal chords and said no, I didn't think I could do it. I hardly TALK any more, let alone sing. My singing is like the dusty catacombs in the secret passage behind the library shelves in the haunted house. People suspect that it might actually be there, but no one's experienced it first hand in years.
Well... apparently between me mentioning my love for singing to a friend of mine and S. insisting that this is something I should try to do, word got back to the musician. He and I are acquaintances, and have hung around together from time to time when our lives cross. This last time, it was different.
He walked right up to me and put his arm around me and said, "Hey, so you're gonna have to pick a time we can get together and start working on some music. I'd love to hear you sing."
This both thrilled me and freaked me out at the same time. I felt like it was something that was really out of my control, a choice that I should have been able to make for myself but that was kind of made for me. You see, he did not ask me, he was telling me -- which means someone else told him that either I am hesitant and he's trying to give me a little prodding, or someone told him that I had expressed a willingness to do it.
So now I'm not sure what to do. I recently shared some a capella recordings of myself with some folks for their opinion, and they reiterated to me that they think I have the "chops" to try to piddle around on a project without hesitation. S. is all over me to sing more -- take time every day to sing, he says. Just make time for it. And the friends, even the ones who have never heard my singing voice, seem to have all the faith in the world that this is something I would do well at and make myself and others proud in the process.
I just don't really remember a time that I was this unsure of myself about anything. I am my own worst critic, and it seems that I'm either going to have to let myself hold me back, or I'm going to have to kick myself to the curb and do it in spite of myself.
I'm both excited and uncomfortable. And that in itself makes me kind of antsy. You know?
Labels: music, self esteem, singing
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My job as a military wife is
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Where he leads, I will follow.
Name: Rose
Age: 36
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